Found continent makes global warming haters scratch their round heads.
Molly Lower
Issue date: 11/29/07 Section: The Bluff
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LOS ANGELES - The search for Atlantis has long been on humankind's agenda - right up there with the Holy Grail and that Waldo guy. For ages, this legend has been relentlessly pursued by adventurers and archaeologists, immortalized by the writings of Plato and the cinematic super-genius of Disney, regarded by all modern civilizations as being responsible for our way of life as we know it! This proverbial White Rabbit has eluded us for millennia, feared to be lost to the waves of time. But it has finally been nabbed. We are tumbling down the rabbit hole, only to find that Atlantis was where we always thought it was - Antarctica.
That's right, folks! It turns out the rumors are true! Under our noses (and the rest of the globe) this whole time, Atlantis was buried under one mile of ice and penguins. Not in that order. Historians are claiming this is the greatest discovery for humanity since the concept of recycling.
Howard Mill, publisher of 5th grade Social Studies textbook, "Reading is Believing" states, "This is spectacular, a great contribution to human history. I don't think I've ever been more jazzed about anything before, if you don't count the invention of the printing press. I've got my men adding a sentence on Atlantis to my textbook right now. The 19th Edition will be ready by the next school year. Yeah, it's only a few words of difference out of 700 pages, but every detail of history is important, you know? The kids have to understand."
You might ask, "How did we find Atlantis if it was buried under so much ice?" Well, it seems that the answer to that is reversing the ocean current conveyor belt as we speak. It seems the only reason Atlantis was able to be found was due to global warming. Oh yes: the polar ice caps have melted. But that's all right - concern for ice caps is so Bellarmine Forum 2006.
Global environmentalists, however, have a different perspective. Willow Dryaden, co-founder of BeGreenPleez, number five on America's Most Wanted (episode airing this Saturday), and unfortunate possessor of a rather pointy head, claims "the world has replaced one home with another that no longer exists." When asked to elaborate, she explained, "Sure, it's a great thing that we've found Atlantis, but at what cost? The water from the melted caps will flow into the ocean, raising sea levels and completely changing every climate and way of life! We've ravaged the entire ecosystem down there with our superfluous carbon emissions! We always talk about the kids, but what about the penguins, huh? What about the trees?"
What about the penguins and the trees?
"They need us! It is our responsibility as human beings to take care of our earth. Everything we do today affects the future for ourselves and our children."
And our penguins and our trees.
"I'm not saying we shouldn't recognize and respect the past. It has made us what we are today. But we cannot ignore the present, because it affects our future."
Upon leaving the conference room, Dryaden passed Mill, who was waiting outside for his interview. His first words in the conference room after introducing himself were the remarkable observation,
"She has a point . . . on her head."
That's right, folks! It turns out the rumors are true! Under our noses (and the rest of the globe) this whole time, Atlantis was buried under one mile of ice and penguins. Not in that order. Historians are claiming this is the greatest discovery for humanity since the concept of recycling.
Howard Mill, publisher of 5th grade Social Studies textbook, "Reading is Believing" states, "This is spectacular, a great contribution to human history. I don't think I've ever been more jazzed about anything before, if you don't count the invention of the printing press. I've got my men adding a sentence on Atlantis to my textbook right now. The 19th Edition will be ready by the next school year. Yeah, it's only a few words of difference out of 700 pages, but every detail of history is important, you know? The kids have to understand."
You might ask, "How did we find Atlantis if it was buried under so much ice?" Well, it seems that the answer to that is reversing the ocean current conveyor belt as we speak. It seems the only reason Atlantis was able to be found was due to global warming. Oh yes: the polar ice caps have melted. But that's all right - concern for ice caps is so Bellarmine Forum 2006.
Global environmentalists, however, have a different perspective. Willow Dryaden, co-founder of BeGreenPleez, number five on America's Most Wanted (episode airing this Saturday), and unfortunate possessor of a rather pointy head, claims "the world has replaced one home with another that no longer exists." When asked to elaborate, she explained, "Sure, it's a great thing that we've found Atlantis, but at what cost? The water from the melted caps will flow into the ocean, raising sea levels and completely changing every climate and way of life! We've ravaged the entire ecosystem down there with our superfluous carbon emissions! We always talk about the kids, but what about the penguins, huh? What about the trees?"
What about the penguins and the trees?
"They need us! It is our responsibility as human beings to take care of our earth. Everything we do today affects the future for ourselves and our children."
And our penguins and our trees.
"I'm not saying we shouldn't recognize and respect the past. It has made us what we are today. But we cannot ignore the present, because it affects our future."
Upon leaving the conference room, Dryaden passed Mill, who was waiting outside for his interview. His first words in the conference room after introducing himself were the remarkable observation,
"She has a point . . . on her head."
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